2018 for me has been one hell of a year. I won’t go into all the details but I will write about the unnecessary & emotionally tragic bullshit I’ve collected this year & stuffed into a suitcase. You know.. one of those carry-on suitcases with the tiny wheels, you see people tugging around behind them at the airport? Yet, my suitcase looks likes it’s been beaten up in baggage claim, left with one wheel (that’s broken) & no handle. It’s nearly busting at the seems, full of, well.. shit. And here I am spending 2018, dragging this busted piece of crap around with me. It’s like 2018 was my year to become an emotional hoarder of negativity & self doubt. Sounds fun right? (Uhhh, no..) Let me tell you, it’s exhausting carrying all of that dead weight around. The weight of nothing that has served me any real purpose, or resulted in anything other than raging insecurity & frustration.
I’ve spent time in therapy & reading countless self-help books to slowly (emphasis on the word, slowly) help me start unpacking all the needless bullshit in my busted suitcase. It’s not been easy & everyday is not always easy, but that’s the beauty of it. Unpacking has become an act of pure beauty to me. I am slowly becoming a little more stoked about the future each day. Its like unpacking has helped me learn to accept the future of not knowing what will happen next. I’m surprised at how okay I am with that. I’m not going to lie, there are some days I fall back into a rut, reminiscing & fighting to hold on, for some weird reason, to items I damn well know I’ve outgrown. However, with the help of a few friends, therapy & a bike… I get brought back to the present & put back into my preverbal place. Without the love of those few friends & my family, I’d probably be a goner people. Well.. maybe not, but I’m forever grateful to have the few friends I have & the most patient & loving parents on the planet.
So where am I going with this???
Okay, so I honestly have no end purpose or exact point I’m trying to get at here. I would however, like to share a little piece of advice I took from one of my many reads. I found it to be positively powerful.. enough said.. just read it.
Sometimes we get so stuck in our trenches, we don’t see the path. If you don’t see a path, you’ll feel stuck and lost. So after you pull back, ask yourself what your goal is. Make it different or smaller goal that what you’re trying to accomplish now. Then work backwards and ask yourself what you need to do and / or who you need to be in order to accomplish that goal.
By seeing the goal and working backwards, you can start to see it’s possible instead of not seeing anything at all. The process of seeing the plan injects some hope. This hope will give you some traction. Remember, the goal can be small. All it is right now is a vine to pull you out of your quicksand.
— John Kim, Licensed Therapist & Author
I’m incredibly thankful to have been introduced to his work and his writings. I’ll soak up every bit of inspiration that feeds my soul.
Change is scary & uncomfortable, but change can also be beautiful in so many ways. This is only the beginning for me. I’ve got a long way to go but I’ll be damned if I’m going to travel this path in my life with that raggedy, tattered & beaten up suitcase. The best is yet to come & Im ready to grow. Damn, it feels good!
So folks…I guess the moral of this post is, ‘everything is figureoutable.’ You just have to be patient with yourself & love yourself throughout the madness & uncomfortable shit you go through in order to unpack your suitcase.