Get Your Sh*t Together

Have you ever been surprised by an emotional reaction you didn’t expect? Did it interfere with what you wanted or wanted to accomplish? Don’t let your emotions control you. You can’t stop them, but you can choose to reduce their impact, once you understand what’s happening underneath those emotions. So I’ll tell you all a short story from a personal experience I recently had. It’s not one of my proudest moments, that’s for sure. 

Life is 10% what happens to you and 90% how you react to it.

 — Charles R. Swindoll

Photo taken from Medium.com

For me personally, over the last year, my life has been lived with an underlying feeling of fear. Fear was always present. It is no way to live. I was in a relationship that I felt slipping through my hands. I was living in an area I did not want to be in. I was battling constant issues with my kidneys, feeling drained, unmotivated and just sad. However, the fear that was present made me act in ways, looking back, I don’t even recognize that person. For the past few weeks despite all the hard work and effort I have been making to NOT be that person, turns out she made an appearance. *sigh*

Fear. That’s the best word I know how to describe it. Fear to me is selfish and it sucks all the good out of my personality. Seriously. 

The worst part of it all is that my own fear not only affects me, it affects those around me. I let my thoughts take me to a place, I had no business being. I started second guessing my decisions, what I was doing and that only led to self doubt. Now, compound all of that with acting like a complete idiot in front of my friend. A friend who was doing absolutely nothing to make me feel what I was feeling. Instead of take a second to breathe, sift past all the irrational fear based thoughts and look at my feelings more rationally, I acted like a told idiot. Let me tell you, I am no idiot, but had anyone else been a fly on the wall during my emotional state, it would’ve been hard to believe I was sane. *sigh*

As much as I want to kick myself, I realize it is physically impossible and also would not help the already shitty situation I alone created. 

People have so many emotional reactions to fear. I believe that my mistake is not taking a step back when I begin to feel overwhelmed. It’s that fearful feeling makes my adult brain revert to a teenage girl. I do not like feeling so overwhelmed that I cannot make sense of things. All rationality gets thrown out the window. In my case, what was on my mind had nothing to do with my friend. He just happened to be there. Poor guy.

Now, I have to take a step back, breathe and give him space to either forgive me or not. That fear took me from a grown woman to an emotional child in 2.2 seconds. I’m embarrassed and disappointed in my self, but I know I am human. As all humans make mistakes, so do I. What it has taught me is that I need to make more of an effort at confronting what’s REALLY bothering me. Sometimes what’s going on under the surface is going to show up during times that may not be convenient. That’s why it’s imperative that if one wants to create a healthy emotional life, as well as, form healthy lasting relationships, one must learn to recognize when fear based emotions show up, deal with them in a healthy way and do not take your sh*t out on your friends (or anyone else for that matter). I’m pretty  sure he would have appreciated me talking to him about it, rather than taking it out on him. No one deserves to eat the garbage you spew. Don’t hurt another person you care about, instead, get your sh*t together. 

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